Jokes
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All the Saints men.
Holy humor.
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
After 3 months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
How do these conversations start?
An oldie.
At a small airport terminal in Texas, three strangers awaiting their
shuttle flight start conversing about the recent world events. The
strangers were of varying cultures. One was Native American. Another
was a cowboy from Texas. The other person was a fanatical Arab Muslim.
During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural
history.
The Native American stated, "Once my people were many, now we are
few."
The Muslim then chimed in and arrogantly said, "once my people were
few and now we are many."
The Texas cowboy looked at the Muslim, shifted the toothpick in his
mouth and said with a sh*t eatin' grin, "that's cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet."
My smart ass would've asked for a muffin and fucke
Funny
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who
likes to wear short skirts and thong panties. One day
a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack
thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please",
the man says politely. The female clerk nods and
climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is
located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once
she descends the ladder he muses that he really should
get two loaves, as he's having company for dinner. As
the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of
the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin
bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each
trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male
patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the
clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired,
irritated and thinking that she is really going to
have to try this bread for herself!!! Finally, once
again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at
the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking
to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old
man...."But it's startin' to twitch
That's what you get.
Funny joke.
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front
seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next
stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,if
you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The
hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray
to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,said the
bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex
with you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to
the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in
robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers
and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees
but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to
this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie
finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I'm the hippie!! The
nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,Ha ha, I'm the bus
driver!!
This is a binding contract
Legal Afadavid
THE BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the"Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 20__, by__________________, between _________________ and ________________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over-unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM-we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit-only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions - Example: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advance arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred - just hit it hard and right or get the hell out!
18. Reason for doggie style: the less the contact, the better.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME - so don't keep calling.
20. The most important one - no condoms, no sex. Carry your ass home.
21. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
22. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
Participating Party
Signature:_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Signature:_______________________________________
Date: ________________
This a legal and binding document between both parties listed.
Definitely.
Poo humor.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
Last rights.
Good joke.
There is a pilot, a priest, a rabbi and a boy on a plane.
The plane is going down.
The pilot says, "There are only 3 parachutes and I'm taking one of them".
The pilot jumps out of the plane.
The priest and rabbi look at each other and say, "What are we gonna do"?
The rabbi says, "You take one and I'll take the other".
The priest says, "What about the boy"?
The rabbi says, "Fuck the boy"!
The priest says, "Ya think we have enough time"?
Pass the buck.
Good story.
Two buddies are getting very drunk at a bar.
Suddenly one throws up all over himself. "Oh, no!
My wife will kill me!"
His friend says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your
shirt pocket.
Then tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
money for the dry cleaning bill."
They stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually the first guy rolls into home and his wife starts to
give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Nowaitaminit,
I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks.
But this other guy got sick on me...he'd had one too many and
he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry
an' gave me twenny bucks for the cleaning bill."
"But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot. He shit in my pants, too!"
The Greatest Worlds Records.
Funny
THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS!!
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out
of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches
from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount
of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage
and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen
on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm,
very recently attained bull semen.
It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful
of French mustard and a dash of lime.
It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused)
instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of
ejaculation, or muzzle
velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American
who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12
mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender
is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart
for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds
Your Wife's Been in an Accident
good joke
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.
He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as he'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
Just one more drink
ode to the beer drinkers
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and
dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." * Jack
Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. * Frank
Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober. * William Butler Yeats
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. * Catherine
Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. * Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. * W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? * Tee
Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. * Henny
Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life. * Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a Frontal lobotomy. *
Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? * Stephen Wright
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you
need a beer. * Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me. * Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. * Benjamin
Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose. * Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza. * Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
*Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. * Kaiser
Wilhelm
You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor. * Anonymous
And God said, "Let there be beer!" And He saw that it was good. Then
God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much
light." *Anonymous
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. *
Dean Martin
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1842! * Anonymous
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group. * Anonymous